THE CROWDED LONELINESS

My computer is on and I think how to begin.
The page remains blank and I am still thinking.
My heart is empty and so is my house.
I walk out of my house and I see the familiar
Phuentsholing. People stream by me and I hear them talk.

The streets are crowded and yet
I am lonely. The streets feel as empty as my house-
As lonely as my house, as lonely as my as heart,
As lonely as my life. I have been physically lonely
For over one year, but emotionally lonely
For times I have not counted, four years? Five years?
Well, it’s not like I don’t like solitude,
I do. I value it so much so that sometimes I am desperate for it.

Crusoe must have felt like me, the difference is
He was lonely because he was alone, but I am
Lonely even among hundreds of live souls
And I am like a walking corpse, moving around senseless,
Only if someone stopped to notice the loneliness on my face
And the almost dying smile, and still it is a smile,
Better than the blankness of everyone’s face. I look for something
In the crowd but I don’t find anything. I want to talk to someone.

Words are lesser; where is my inspiration?
I wonder how Homer evoked the muses, Standing on the beach of the
Aegean Sea; before writing the ILIAD,
‘Cause I can’t and don’t know how to.
Milton must have sat blind and called on the muses to help him
Remember Adam and Eve; he did and created a masterpiece.
I am neither Milton nor Homer; I am not them but I am a poet in my own right.
They might have stood alone in their places, like I do in the crowd;
I am not writing an epic on the Trojan War or human creation,
I am writing about my loneliness, the loneliness I felt yester evening:
(It’s already past 1 in the morning now.) Yet the muses don’t come to me.

I smiled at someone but I didn’t get a smile in return
Still I smile at anyone who passes by me.
They need my smile as I need theirs to help me get through
This lonely life. Smiles or no smiles life goes on
As mine did. I am lonely sometimes but I am not sometimes.
So I look at the times when I am not: life goes on.
I love it. Crowd will come and go,
so will smiles. Yes! Someone noticed my smiles and
returned it. See there are people like me out there;
different though. We yearn for the same things:
A simple smile and our day are made. Muses or no
Muses I am done with my poem. I still smile at people and
They will smile back at me as I walk a lonely road;
It will help me keep me on the right way. Maybe
We will all find our ways back to the lives we all want to live.
A life of solitude and a full life; fully lived with no grievances.

2008

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2 thoughts on “THE CROWDED LONELINESS

  1. Life lived in closed doors
    Soul wants to fly and touch reality shores
    Loneliness, you create,breed and Yet don’t admit that you close yourself. You could be possibly alone because you don’t want to open up yourself and reavel your true identity–how can friendship creep in when identity is conceeled–just my thought–may be I am wrong.

    What ever it is, it was a nice read. Cheer up and life is not loneliness but goodness and beautiful.

    Cheers

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